happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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