my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Actions speak louder than pants.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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