I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
