Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
