We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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