I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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