Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dear god my vagina.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
