I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
