I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I puked a lego.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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