I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We were destined to go to rehab together
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
