Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
