Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
