if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
