Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
