so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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