there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
