also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have aggressive nipples.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
