Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
