Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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