Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
