dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
