you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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