phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
