I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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