I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
