My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
