checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
