She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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