its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
