where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
