life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's rum buckets o'clock
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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