mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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