dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
