Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
