margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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