meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
