dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
