my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
