Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
