wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
