It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
