1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
