I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
