turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
