You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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