I just threw up on my dentist
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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