Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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