My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
