Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
