I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
