she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
